“And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it. A work of art is good if it has arisen out of necessity. That is the only way one can judge it.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
If words could become part of our DNA (they can), then these must be part of my genetic code by now. Words I’ve read so many times they’ve no doubt been translated into corresponding base pairs and amino acids, ones that have become rungs in the ladder of my double-helices. Maybe that is why sometimes they are the only thing I can find sense in, as if my very cells recognize their song from memory. These are words that always feel like home…
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” ― Henry David Thoreau
When we first moved to the valley, watching the lights from the summit of our new home was unsettling to me. Mesmerized by the orange urban glow, I was left with an uneasiness watching the shimmer of the lights although I couldn’t place why. When anyone visits for the first time, they nearly always go to the windows and comment on the view- it is truly stunning. But the lights that I had expected to be still, were in fact, Continue reading “Living In the Shimmer”
12- the number of weeks gestation according to an 8 week ultrasound and my last menstrual period.
9 weeks, 2 days- approximate development of the fetus with no heartbeat inside me.
2 weeks, 5 days- approximate time lapse since fetal heartbeat stopped and development ceased, approximate time she’s been dead inside of me.
They say that time seems to stop during significant and critical times in our lives. I have found that is true but this isn’t all. It then replays again and again on infinite repeat.
0 seconds since my eyes searched desperately for that small pulsing we witnessed just a few short weeks ago on a grainy black and white screen.
0 seconds since the tech said, “It happens.”
0 seconds since it happened to me.
They call it a missed miscarriage. Some sites I came across used the term “silent”. Silence is an apt description of what comes right before the pause in your wail, in between the breathless pulse in your ear. It’s the noise you hear cry out from your womb when there is no heartbeat – when you find out the baby you’ve been carrying inside you is dead. Continue reading “The Math of Gestation- Calculating Loss”
I have so many half written ideas, parts of essays, chapters, and poems floating around in Word, it looks like a spare parts yard where nice words go to find their mates. Maybe it’s a bit of a mirror representation of the state of my mind most of the time, as long as we are confessing over Sunday morning coffee. My documents have become a jumbled mess of sentiment, awaiting a clear and focused mind who can sort through and make sense of it all. I’m still searching for some way to ensure that nothing gets lost in translation.
But when you are easily distracted and trying to write a book– it’s sometimes hard to know what direction to go.
This morning, the poets and sages of yesteryear were reminding me of where my passion has been hiding. It isn’t where it used to be. I think I must have left it in the tree house in the backyard when I was 9.
Leonard Cohen said,
“Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash. “